Saturday, November 13, 2010

Big Day

Yay! I'll gonna be an official "sister in law" next year! Yeah, got it right! My brother is getting married....finally....hehehe....

There are no concrete plans yet except that it would be next year, December perhaps.  It will depend on when Mary's dad can home from Florida and see her only daughter walk the aisle.

Yay, I can't think of the perfect words and put them in the most creative way I can right now.  All I know is that I'm so, so, so excited and I'll gonna treat that big event as if "my own"....

So, to my bro and Mary, congratulations again! Looking forward for a busy and fruiful 2011.... 

I love you both! :-)

Monday, September 6, 2010

Flashback '05...

I no longer know what is going on with the world and the people today. When I got home in Nueva Vizcaya for my birthday, I heard 3 of my highschool teachers died. And just when I got back in Manila, an old friend's father passed away. And today, the mother of an officemate. All deaths - caused by cancer. So now I'm crying like a little girl again....What do you expect? Flashback once more......Papa.

Lung cancer took Papa away from us five years ago. He was a chain smoker. It was first quarter of 2005 when Mama noticed his sudden weight loss. On April 2005, Papa seemed to be not only challenged by physical deterioration but also mental absence. Mama would find him many times just staring on blank space. And then, the headaches started to manifest, too. He was never the same since then. We decided to bring him here in Manila to seek medical help. On that same month, he was diagnosed with malignant brain tumor - the result of metastasis of a more severe condition, lung cancer. It was the hardest blow to our family that we had to endure.

Papa was once a sturdy man. He seemed to have swallowed a big ball on his tummy. I used to beat that part of him with my little hands like drums. His arms were very firm, like branches of trees. I used to cling to that arms for years. His legs were like steels, shaped by farming and climbing mountains at a young age. I used to ride on them like the logs of a seesaw. All these images of strength and resilience were gone. In his private room at St. Lukes one day before his major operation, I saw a weak man...full of fear. And there were tears in his eyes. In front of us, was my father crying for the first time. That moment was something I couldn't contain. I ran out of the room and shed tears of my own. Nothing is more heart-breaking for a girl than seeing the man she considered her "rock" to depend on, slowly falling down.

I'm a Papa's girl obviously (though I'm spoiled by Mama, too). He was my Math tutor, my chess-mate, my cooking partner, my driving coach, my playmate. But what I like best - he was my fan. I always had these confidence problems as a growing child. So he never failed praising me for my accomplishments. There were times that I find those praises too exaggerated. But he was my father...and I was his only daughter. I assume he never had a choice.....

I had my most memorable Valentine's day because of him. We had this 3rd periodical project for an art subject. I was the leader of one group. It was a blessing since one of my members, who happened to be a very dear friend of mine (Budz), volunteered to accommodate us in their humble home, few blocks away from our school, to finish our artwork. And since we had a deadline to beat (til 2PM of that unforgettable February 14), we decided to stay and had to pass lunch time just to finish the project. Cellphone was still not a hype during those years so situations like not going home for lunch wouldn't be known to one's parents until he/she gets home after the day's class. When I got home that afternoon, Papa instantly asked where I'd been. I told him the truth....the art project. He said I was just making an excuse and that I had this Valentine's date with someone. I knew it was a joke. But it had hit me for some reasons. As I mentioned earlier, I always had this trouble of not liking myself too much. So I answered him back - "Who in the world would ever want dating a horrible, boyish, fat, dark, flat-nosed human being like me?" Then I cried. He walked towards me, hugged me tight, kissed me on the forehead and uttered the words I never heard from a man all my life - "Stop crying, my baby! For me, you are the most beautiful person in the world!" With that, I cried even harder....

God is so good that He allowed me to spend the best of times with my sick father. I say the "best of times" because those moments were the perfect opportunities of unconditionally returning the love he had given me - the time that I had to take care of him in the simplest yet most loving way a daughter could do. I got the chance to cook for him and feed him, the chance to bathe and massage him, the chance to help him in and out of his wheelchair and walk him in malls, the chance to ignore the demands of work just to accompany him on radiation therapy sessions, the chance to skip meals just to save money for his diapers and medicines, the chance to stay wide awake in the hospital and just helplessly wait for what might come worst. I was young, weak and oftentimes irresponsible. But during those days, I was as hard as stone and in control.

And like sad movies, there's always an unhappy ending. In the morning of October 6, 2005, Papa left us. And the darkest days of my life started. It is so true that when we lost someone we love so much, always a certain part of us dies with him/her. It has been five years. I just turned 28...old enough. But I know I will never be that complete again. I wished Papa was still around in that past five years when I, his once little girl, fell in love, broke my heart, reached some simple dreams and still chase for the bigger ones.....

But I guess that's how life is. And sooner or later, I'll be seeing him again. How about tonight Papa? Be with me....in my dreams.....

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Dear Big Luv

Ang saya ko ngayon! Sa pang-ilang pagkakataon, hindi mo na naman ako binigo. Alam kong nung huling tayo nagkasama, hindi masyadong naging maganda ang kapalaran natin sa isa't isa. Nasaktan ka ng sobra dahil sa akin at ako naman ay nagkaroon ng trauma. Saksi ka sa mahabang panahon na ako'y nag-alinlangan sa kakayahan kong mahawakan kang muli.

Pero iba ang araw na ito. Kasama ang ilan sa mga pinakamatatalik kong kaibigan, pinatunayan mo ang tibay ng ating samahan. Kahit pa may mga pagkakataon na nakikisawsaw ko sa halakhakan namin at tipo'y nagsasayaw ka din sa kagalakan. Me mga oras din na para bang may sarili kang mundo. Umaatras o umaabante ka na lang ng basta-basta. Ayun tuloy, napapakamot ng ulo, napapakunot ng noo o napapadasal ang mga taong nakapaligid sa atin. Ang pinakamatindi, ilang beses mong ipinakita na ikaw ay mapanggigil. Makipagpaligsahan ka ba naman sa isang higante? Kahit maliit ka, malaki ang paniniwala ko na kaya mong magtagumpay. Pero gusto ko pa ding isaalang-alang ang katiwasayan at kaligtasan nating lahat. Huwag kang mag-alala! Kahit murahin pa tayo ng iba, kakampi mo ako. Ipaglalaban kita.

Naaalala mo ba yung araw na opisyal na kinukuha ka na sa akin ni Kuya? Walang kagatol-gatol kung sinabi - "Akin ka ng buong-buo." Maaaring mas madalas mo siyang kasama at ako'y hanggang haplos lang sa iyo. Pero alam kong alam mo na kahit mahal ka din naman niya, mas higit na mahal kita. Hindi pa man dumating ang unang araw na nagkrus ang landas natin, ipinangako ko na sa sarili kong "tayo" ang tunay na magtatagal. Musmos pa ako'y ikaw na pangarap ko. Kaya paninindigan kita anuman ang mangyari.

Magmula sa araw na ito, gusto kong linisin at ibalik sa dating linaw ang matagal ng nakaukit sa puso ko....ikaw lang, wala ng iba. Madami man ang malikha na maaaring mas higit pa sa iyo, hinding-hindi ako matutukso. Magkasama nating lilibutin ang buong Luzon. Kung maaari nga lang isama na din ang Visayas, ang Mindanao at ang buong mundo. Inaamin kong marami akong pagkukulang at madami pa akong dapat matutunan. Pero handa ako sa anumang pagsubok, basta kasama ka lamang.

Ang sabi nga sa kanta....Ako'y sa iyo at ika'y akin lamang......My Big Luv!

Nagmamahal,
Ang Iyong Drayber

Thursday, August 19, 2010

It's Final...

My Dearest One,

It all started when I seriously fell for someone the first time. You might agree with me that not all "firsts" are the best moments. It was a tough phase and you were there for me and you accepted me for who I am. We became close friends. It was never a rebound. I shed some serious tears for that heartbreak. But surprisingly, you made it so easy for me get back on my feet and see the wonders of life and love, once again.....

You are indeed a beautiful soul! At some point, I felt obliged to return the favor. I was also there when you got involved with someone special the first time....and you eventually wept for your first heartbreak as well. You know that I'm not very good in cheering up people, especially those with wounded hearts. But I hope you felt that I tried to be there by your side to silently cry for your pain.

At first, I thought it was all appreciation. But I realized, it was more than that. So there I was, gravitated once more. I ended up giving you stuffs secretly - something that was also unveiled by you later on. I'll never forget the day when you confronted me about everything. I still thank God that it never happened face-to-face because if it does, I would have wished myself to be dead before finding myself in front of you. Yes....what I've done had brought you intrigue and shame and you have no idea how guilty I am until this very day.

That had definitely scarred our friendship. Almost a month of avoiding each other, of you not returning my messages, of me being so confused whether to visit a friend's place because we are all in one circle.... Damn, that was one of the worst times of my life. I was so grateful that on one fine day, you finally got back to me and told me to forget what happened, to never talk about it and to give another chance to our friendship. That's you - so kind, so forgiving....so please don't blame me if I fell for you that way.

There was a time when I decided to hide myself from the rest of the world because I felt I turned into some kind of monster. For days, the sound of my phone ringing and the knocks on the door were the only elements existing in my still room - as still as me on the floor. But with one particular ring, I grabbed my phone for the first time in days and was surprised to see who was calling - it was you. See.....that's your effect on me - so magical. For many times, I barred myself from doing things - only to find those bars falling in the end, because of you. You made everything within me so disoriented and involuntary. Thank you because the moment I took that call (the first one I answered by the way), I knew I'm going to be fine again.

....which made me remember the last talk we had over the phone. You continue to amaze me. Despite us, already living on separate worlds, you can tell if I'm okay or not, you can read my mind, you can hear my heart, you can feel my rage. I'm glad to know that you know me well. You called that day to check what's going on. I told you my story. But forgive me if I didn't tell everything - that apart from that rage, there was "envy". I was envious that the person is so happy having you. Well, I know I have no right. But I'm just human - a very fragile one. Don't worry and don't feel guilty. I never blamed you for anything. The good thing is, I got over it. Thanks to you.....once more.

I heard you've been going out again. You both, are my good friends. Still a part of me should feel joyful with the two of you being together. It's hard for me, but if you're happy, I'll try my best to be happy for you, too. Don't hold back. If you think you are sure and you are ready, then love again. This may be a little presumptive but you might worry about me. Well, do not. It will break my heart for sure...but I'm a big girl now. I will survive and will get over it, as usual. Our friend will love you, respect you and take care of you - though I know, and maybe you know, that I can do a lot better than that. It made me realize that all through these years, we remained faithfully in love with one and the same person. Can you now imagine how your charm and pureness captivated our heart and soul? No words can ever tell....

True enough, some things are really not meant to be. And as I get older, I become wiser. I become more tolerant. I learn to accept the fact that you're someone who can never be mine. I understand everything. But I still keep my promise. We'll never talk about it. So I'm writing this letter. Just in case you stumble across this somewhere, it will let you know that you're the only person that I felt magic with and I think I will never find someone so perfect like you again. That you unconsciously changed my world and my life into something more special and more wonderful. Until my last breath, I will always be grateful.

The whole universe knows how many times I tried and how many times I failed, too. But it's final this time.....I'm letting go of that "feelings". And I mark this day as the beginning of a much better and purer bond between us.

Friends forever okay?

Love,
Braizel

Sunday, April 25, 2010

The Story of Ugly

I miss being here....what have I been doing lately anyway?

I don't have the right mental hormones to write now so I'll just gonna share a simple, touching story I stumbled across a blog earlier. Call me "mababaw" but I cried (again) just after I finished reading.

Read and be touched, too..........

The Story of Ugly
by: Wyandotte Animal Group

Everyone in the apartment complex I lived in knew who Ugly was. Ugly was the resident tomcat. Ugly loved three things in this world: fighting, eating garbage, and shall we say, love. The combination of these things combined with a life spent outside had their effect on Ugly. To start with, he had only one eye, and where the other should have been was a gaping hole. He was also missing his ear on the same side, his left foot has appeared to have been badly broken at one time, and had healed at an unnatural angle, making him look like he was always turning the corner. His tail has long been lost, leaving only the smallest stub, which he would constantly jerk and twitch. Ugly would have been a dark gray tabby striped-type, except for the sores covering his head, neck, even his shoulders with thick, yellowing scabs. Every time someone saw Ugly there was the same reaction. "That's one UGLY cat!!" All the children were warned not to touch him, the adults threw rocks at him, hosed him down, squirted him when he tried to come in their homes, or shut his paws in the door when he would not leave. Ugly always had the same reaction. If you turned the hose on him, he would stand there, getting soaked until you gave up and quit. If you threw things at him, he would curl his lanky body around feet in forgiveness. Whenever he spied children, he would come running meowing frantically and bump his head against their hands, begging for their love. If you ever picked him up he would immediately begin suckling on your shirt, earrings, whatever he could find.

One day Ugly shared his love with the neighbors huskies. They did not respond kindly, and Ugly was badly mauled. From my apartment I could hear his screams, and I tried to rush to his aid. By the time I got to where he was laying, it was apparent Ugly's sad life was almost at an end. Ugly lay in a wet circle, his back legs and lower back twisted grossly out of shape, a gaping tear in the white strip of fur that ran down his front. As I picked him up and tried to carry him home I could hear him wheezing and gasping, and could feel him struggling. I must be hurting him terribly I thought. Then I felt a familiar tugging, sucking sensation on my ear-Ugly, in so much pain, suffering and obviously dying was trying to suckle my ear. I pulled him closer to me, and he bumped the palm of my hand with his head, then he turned his one golden eye towards me, and I could hear the distinct sound of purring. Even in the greatest pain, that ugly battled-scarred cat was asking only for a little affection, perhaps some compassion.

At that moment I thought Ugly was the most beautiful, loving creature I had ever seen. Never once did he try to bite or scratch me, or even try to get away from me, or struggle in any way. Ugly just looked up at me completely trusting in me to relieve his pain. Ugly died in my arms before I could get inside, but I sat and held him for a long time afterwards, thinking about how one scarred, deformed little stray could so alter my opinion about what it means to have true pureness of spirit, to love so totally and truly. Ugly taught me more about giving and compassion than a thousand books, lectures, or talk show specials ever could, and for that I will always be thankful. He had been scarred on the outside, but I was scarred on the inside, and it was time for me to move on and learn to love truly and deeply. To give my total to those I cared for.

Many people want to be richer, more successful, well liked, beautiful, but for me, I will always try to be Ugly.....


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