Anyway, here it is. Enjoy....
Preparing for Single Senior-Hood
THE year 2008 didn’t end too well for me. Recurring health problems, crossroads in important areas of life and difficult relationships left me not very enthusiastic about the year to come. As I struggled with a painful gum problem, I thought to myself: here I am, 44 years old, the youngest in our brood of five boys and a girl (with my dad and three of the boys already gone), and by default, the main person taking care of my 84-year-old mother. Not that I resent the job—I love my mother dearly—but it’s really a lot for just one person, and I often find myself wishing that I had a sister to share the load with so we could take care of our mother and each other the way only women can. As it is, I have no sisters, no husband (a matter of choice as much as circumstance), and no children (they were never on the agenda). My two living brothers have their own immediate families, who will naturally take precedence over everybody else. Which led me to the obvious question: When I’m old and unproductive and I’ll need help getting around, who’ll take care of me?
In the last few years, I’ve confirmed the answer, beyond the shadow of a doubt, from my own observations as well as endless discussions with friends in the same boat: I will take care of me. It’s a logical statement, not a sad one. The fact is, I alone will be primarily responsible for myself. Besides, I’ve always thought the idea of bearing a child to have someone take care of you in old age is a selfish agenda, and I think parents who keep drilling this obligation into their kids’ heads and investing in them for this express purpose are laying the groundwork for resentment and dysfunction.
It’s not just me who’s facing this challenge. More and more, I have friends—male, female and otherwise—who are getting older with no prospects of domesticity in their immediate future. Let’s not count a companion/lover/partner, who can appear and disappear just as quickly, but at our age, most of us have pretty much given up on passing on the genes—which means that if and when the partner goes first, you’re back to Square of One.
And yes, we have discussed this, my friends and I—where we will live, how we intend to manage whatever resources we have, what we plan to do when we retire single. Barring any last-minute couplings—which will always be welcome, take note—the current plan among my closest friends and I is a set-up that already exists in many places, a sort of private retirement home where we pool funds for infrastructure, common areas and a shared staff of nurses, drivers and house help. We will have the privacy of individual rooms when we want quiet time and the freedom to plan our own days, but we’ll always have the option of doing things together. After all, aren’t friends supposed to be the blood brothers and sisters you weren’t born with?
The interesting part is, yes, several of us have siblings and nieces and nephews. But we’ve decided we want a lot more security than the thickness of blood over water, and on just banking on the goodness of the hearts of people who will have other things to worry about—and who never signed any contracts to care for the unmarried aunt/uncle.
Dignified life
So can one prepare for solo old age? Maybe not completely, but my friends and I have concluded that there are some things to bear in mind so life is full, pleasant and dignified, even when (or probably because?) you’re alone.
1. Don’t ever, ever assume you will be somebody else’s problem. Sorry for the overstatement but this happens too often for comfort. “Oh, bahala na si (clueless younger relative) sa akin.” Of course, all of us wish we could be so smug and naïve. I myself used to kid my oldest nephew and my nieces about looking after me, but that is no longer something I ever plan to bring up. They have their own lives now, and taking care of other people is not in their nature. Although the Filipino family is famously extended, every unmarried, childless person above 40 should never forget that in relation to your siblings’ families, you will always be optional and peripheral, never central. You hover somewhere outside the nucleus of priorities because you didn’t create a nucleus of your own. It’s nothing personal; it’s fate, not tragedy, and the sooner you accept that as a fact of life, the sooner it becomes easy to do your own thing without overblown expectations and hurt feelings.
2. You must manage your resources exceptionally well. Save large chunks of everything you make. What I’ve saved is far from enough to live on, but I reckon I’ve got some time to build that nest egg, and I avoid debts like the plague. You must invest in a place that’s all your own, never mind how big the family home is, how large an inheritance you’re expecting or how much extra space there is in your married brother or sister’s house. A good project I bagged over 10 years ago allowed me to put a down payment on a shoebox of a condo unit in a major commercial center—a shoebox it is, but it’s all mine and it will be enough for me once I’ve scaled down in my older years. (In the meantime, it’s making me some extra cash.) Get professional advice to make sure you invest in good instruments (although the most conservative ones will probably be the best choices now), and to help you calculate how much you should have in the bank to enable you to live decently on interest and dividends. Oh, and make sure your agent sells you a pension plan, not a life insurance plan. You don’t need to leave your money to a beneficiary; you want to have it to take care of your own needs and wants while you’re alive. You will also need to have enough to pay for professional home care if necessary. Speaking of insurance...
3. You must have medical insurance. If you’ve got money to spare, get some above and beyond your company policy, which will most likely end with your retirement, and by then you may be too old to buy personal medical insurance. A single major hospital stint can wipe out a chunk of your retirement fund if you’re not covered. In line with that, do everything you can to stay healthy. Exercise, eat well, don’t stress yourself out—and make it easier to care for yourself in the future.
4. Nurture relationships with friends in the same boat. No, I don’t mean you stop talking to friends who are attached, married or parenting, but your core group should be people with the same concerns and priorities—and believe me, that’s not a problem nowadays. It makes it easier to relate to the same issues, whether you’re feeling good over a career high or bad about being ignored by a favorite niece (like I said, you’re optional).
5. Get your personal network in place. That covers everything from knowing where to go for some counseling to having friends all over the place and a favorite getaway here and abroad that you feel comfortable visiting alone, to shops and services that you can patronize and develop a relationship with.
All that being said, it’s important to remember to live your life in the meantime and not stress too much about your future. Save, but treat yourself when there’s a windfall, because being single means, yes, you can spend the money in the spa instead of on a new pair of youngster’s school shoes (horrors). And if you do have a generous younger relative who repeatedly insists that he/she will take care of you in your old age, be gracious and accept the offer for the blessing it is—but don’t go giving everything you own to charity just yet. After all, for the single soon-to-be senior, the “power of one” takes on a whole new meaning.
