Saturday, August 21, 2010

Dear Big Luv

Ang saya ko ngayon! Sa pang-ilang pagkakataon, hindi mo na naman ako binigo. Alam kong nung huling tayo nagkasama, hindi masyadong naging maganda ang kapalaran natin sa isa't isa. Nasaktan ka ng sobra dahil sa akin at ako naman ay nagkaroon ng trauma. Saksi ka sa mahabang panahon na ako'y nag-alinlangan sa kakayahan kong mahawakan kang muli.

Pero iba ang araw na ito. Kasama ang ilan sa mga pinakamatatalik kong kaibigan, pinatunayan mo ang tibay ng ating samahan. Kahit pa may mga pagkakataon na nakikisawsaw ko sa halakhakan namin at tipo'y nagsasayaw ka din sa kagalakan. Me mga oras din na para bang may sarili kang mundo. Umaatras o umaabante ka na lang ng basta-basta. Ayun tuloy, napapakamot ng ulo, napapakunot ng noo o napapadasal ang mga taong nakapaligid sa atin. Ang pinakamatindi, ilang beses mong ipinakita na ikaw ay mapanggigil. Makipagpaligsahan ka ba naman sa isang higante? Kahit maliit ka, malaki ang paniniwala ko na kaya mong magtagumpay. Pero gusto ko pa ding isaalang-alang ang katiwasayan at kaligtasan nating lahat. Huwag kang mag-alala! Kahit murahin pa tayo ng iba, kakampi mo ako. Ipaglalaban kita.

Naaalala mo ba yung araw na opisyal na kinukuha ka na sa akin ni Kuya? Walang kagatol-gatol kung sinabi - "Akin ka ng buong-buo." Maaaring mas madalas mo siyang kasama at ako'y hanggang haplos lang sa iyo. Pero alam kong alam mo na kahit mahal ka din naman niya, mas higit na mahal kita. Hindi pa man dumating ang unang araw na nagkrus ang landas natin, ipinangako ko na sa sarili kong "tayo" ang tunay na magtatagal. Musmos pa ako'y ikaw na pangarap ko. Kaya paninindigan kita anuman ang mangyari.

Magmula sa araw na ito, gusto kong linisin at ibalik sa dating linaw ang matagal ng nakaukit sa puso ko....ikaw lang, wala ng iba. Madami man ang malikha na maaaring mas higit pa sa iyo, hinding-hindi ako matutukso. Magkasama nating lilibutin ang buong Luzon. Kung maaari nga lang isama na din ang Visayas, ang Mindanao at ang buong mundo. Inaamin kong marami akong pagkukulang at madami pa akong dapat matutunan. Pero handa ako sa anumang pagsubok, basta kasama ka lamang.

Ang sabi nga sa kanta....Ako'y sa iyo at ika'y akin lamang......My Big Luv!

Nagmamahal,
Ang Iyong Drayber

Thursday, August 19, 2010

It's Final...

My Dearest One,

It all started when I seriously fell for someone the first time. You might agree with me that not all "firsts" are the best moments. It was a tough phase and you were there for me and you accepted me for who I am. We became close friends. It was never a rebound. I shed some serious tears for that heartbreak. But surprisingly, you made it so easy for me get back on my feet and see the wonders of life and love, once again.....

You are indeed a beautiful soul! At some point, I felt obliged to return the favor. I was also there when you got involved with someone special the first time....and you eventually wept for your first heartbreak as well. You know that I'm not very good in cheering up people, especially those with wounded hearts. But I hope you felt that I tried to be there by your side to silently cry for your pain.

At first, I thought it was all appreciation. But I realized, it was more than that. So there I was, gravitated once more. I ended up giving you stuffs secretly - something that was also unveiled by you later on. I'll never forget the day when you confronted me about everything. I still thank God that it never happened face-to-face because if it does, I would have wished myself to be dead before finding myself in front of you. Yes....what I've done had brought you intrigue and shame and you have no idea how guilty I am until this very day.

That had definitely scarred our friendship. Almost a month of avoiding each other, of you not returning my messages, of me being so confused whether to visit a friend's place because we are all in one circle.... Damn, that was one of the worst times of my life. I was so grateful that on one fine day, you finally got back to me and told me to forget what happened, to never talk about it and to give another chance to our friendship. That's you - so kind, so forgiving....so please don't blame me if I fell for you that way.

There was a time when I decided to hide myself from the rest of the world because I felt I turned into some kind of monster. For days, the sound of my phone ringing and the knocks on the door were the only elements existing in my still room - as still as me on the floor. But with one particular ring, I grabbed my phone for the first time in days and was surprised to see who was calling - it was you. See.....that's your effect on me - so magical. For many times, I barred myself from doing things - only to find those bars falling in the end, because of you. You made everything within me so disoriented and involuntary. Thank you because the moment I took that call (the first one I answered by the way), I knew I'm going to be fine again.

....which made me remember the last talk we had over the phone. You continue to amaze me. Despite us, already living on separate worlds, you can tell if I'm okay or not, you can read my mind, you can hear my heart, you can feel my rage. I'm glad to know that you know me well. You called that day to check what's going on. I told you my story. But forgive me if I didn't tell everything - that apart from that rage, there was "envy". I was envious that the person is so happy having you. Well, I know I have no right. But I'm just human - a very fragile one. Don't worry and don't feel guilty. I never blamed you for anything. The good thing is, I got over it. Thanks to you.....once more.

I heard you've been going out again. You both, are my good friends. Still a part of me should feel joyful with the two of you being together. It's hard for me, but if you're happy, I'll try my best to be happy for you, too. Don't hold back. If you think you are sure and you are ready, then love again. This may be a little presumptive but you might worry about me. Well, do not. It will break my heart for sure...but I'm a big girl now. I will survive and will get over it, as usual. Our friend will love you, respect you and take care of you - though I know, and maybe you know, that I can do a lot better than that. It made me realize that all through these years, we remained faithfully in love with one and the same person. Can you now imagine how your charm and pureness captivated our heart and soul? No words can ever tell....

True enough, some things are really not meant to be. And as I get older, I become wiser. I become more tolerant. I learn to accept the fact that you're someone who can never be mine. I understand everything. But I still keep my promise. We'll never talk about it. So I'm writing this letter. Just in case you stumble across this somewhere, it will let you know that you're the only person that I felt magic with and I think I will never find someone so perfect like you again. That you unconsciously changed my world and my life into something more special and more wonderful. Until my last breath, I will always be grateful.

The whole universe knows how many times I tried and how many times I failed, too. But it's final this time.....I'm letting go of that "feelings". And I mark this day as the beginning of a much better and purer bond between us.

Friends forever okay?

Love,
Braizel

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